"You're emotionaly constipated." This is what my good friend told me while standing in my doorway and staring at people packing. These words escaped her mouth because I wasn't crying when I was supposed to. Right now I should be curled up into a little ball, with tears and snot all over my face, while mumbling to myself, "why him? why now?" The reason for this not happening display, death. One of my really close friends, possibly my best guy friend died today. He was rock climbing and he fell to his death. I guess I either handle tragic situations well or horribly. I cry for a small moment and then I'm better instantly as if nothing happened. I'm not holding back also. It's as if I have conditioned myself to be okay with death and to deal with it quickly. In the back of my mind, I know that I'm probably bottling it. Saving every drop of emotion so that I can become incredibly insane. I'm afraid of when that might happen.

I have gone through my existential phase in life already and am fine with my own death. I am not afraid to die. I have been thinking about something that is a bit strange. My best friend was the girlfriend to this fellow friend who has passed. They were intense, but anything is intense with my best friend. We had a theory, she and I, that he and I would have to die first before she could die. Our reasoning for this queer thought, she was constantly at the bridge of death, every attempt followed through, but never successful. So many attempts. These attempts were not your classic kind either. She is a very creative person. She should have died more than a 100 times. I actually have conditioned myself to not feel anything when she dies. I have been waiting for her death for 2 years now. Anyways, since he has died today, I am next. A week ago, my best friend here in college, different girl, we were walking and talking about a lot deep "stuff." She told me that she has a strong feeling that one of us out of our group isn't going to come back next semester, or ever again. When she told me this, I knew it was directed towards me, but I let myself think opposite. I dilluted her words and made excuses that it wasn't me that was never coming back. Now.... it may be me. But I don't know and no one knows. I have a lot of faith that it won't be my time soon because my sister told me that she sees a future in me.

My sister and I have this special intuition with seeing if people will have a future or not. Our accuracy, so far, is perfect. So I will believe my sister for now.

Other thoughts: I always wonder what the last thought is before a person dies. I wonder what he was thinking in that time he was floating in the air, while gravity was pulling him. I'm actually kind of jealous that he is experiencing the death process. He is either experiencing a lot, or nothing at all. Which is cool if you think about it. No one knows what comes with death. The only thing we do know is decay. I'm glad that we don't know, we should never know, until it happens.

Other news: He told me that he loved me. (Totally different person and still kicking). I stopped in the door way and I told him that I loved him too. I then closed the door behind me and left my life and his life at that. I will probably never see him again. He is going to Washington, I am not.

<< Pacing >>